Remember the last time you absolutely nailed it? When it comes to having effective conversations, we’ve all been there at least once. One of those days where you could do no wrong. When you felt like you were on fire. People were hanging on your every word. When, in conversation, you recounted a story or proposed an idea and you knew you had your audience in the palm of your hand. For the very small minority this is a daily occurrence. For the rest of us it happens only once in a while. However, we all remember feeling the euphoria of simply just getting it so right.

We All Love to Relate to Others

Even the most introverted of us secretly love the vibe of connecting with and relating to others in this way. Consider your own experience. When did it happen? What was it about you that day that made it all slot into place? Were you having effective conversations with another human or humans? Whatever it was you were doing it was unique, personal and natural to you. What if you could harness that natural style every day? How would that feel? What would that mean for your relationships at work and at play? How would that impact your business success and personal happiness?

Conversation is Part of Us

Conversations are a curious phenomenon. We are a unique species on the planet. We mastered the art of speech 100,000 years ago and are now able to engage in highly interactive and complex communication. In the animal world this type of communication is generally limited to the manipulation of individual goals such as getting fed, warding off predators or securing territory. Humans are different. They communicate not only to gain information but also to help inform others of potentially useful intelligence and to share attitudes and feelings. This notion of mutual helpfulness has supported our ability to act collaboratively and in doing so to master the power of speech and language. This has clearly advanced our evolution and our success.

It’s All in How You Say it

Speech isn’t the only major feature in having effective conversations. How you say it is also important. A previous blog article identified that content only plays a small role in effective communication. As humans we are able to read actions through familiar and learned gestures. Pointing for example is unique to humans. If you point at something in conversation with a human, they will look in the direction of your finger in anticipation of new and shared knowledge. If you do the same with an animal (or a baby human) they will look at your finger. This is a surprisingly complex process. Communication is key to our survival and effective conversations are a sophisticated extension of speech. This skill is particular and unique to humans.

So, next time you’re engaged in a chat, think of your evolution as a species and consider these top tips on effective conversations:

1. Relax

One of the best ways to roadblock effective conversations is to put yourself under too much pressure. Don’t be someone else. Be you. Consider a situation where you felt you were having a forced conversation. How did you feel? Avoid these feelings by rationalizing you approach. You are just having a chat. By accepting this, your natural style will come across and those around you will respond more positively.

2. Get others to relax

Guess what? You’re not the only anxious one in this equation. Effective conversations are a two way street. By putting the person you are talking to at ease the whole thing will run more smoothly and they will be much more open to what you have to say. Conversely they will be more open with you. Start by asking them about themselves. Don’t grill them but a casual and informal introduction focused on your audience will help relax the proceedings.

3. Baby steps

The journey of discovery in a conversation should proceed in incremental steps. If you’re not careful the conversation will become all about you (boring for them) or all about them (boring for you). Move through from courtesies to information and then on to opinions and feelings. By the time you get to the deeper stuff both parties will be more relaxed and willing to share due to common ground.

4. Listen

This is a well-trodden path. Everyone says you need to be a good listener but what does this actually mean? Often we focus on listening to content but fail to concentrate on the nuances of the conversation. ‘Listen’ also to tone of voice and body language. As we have established gesturing is a key component of human communication. What is the person really saying? Can you pick up on an aspect of this that signifies excitement or anxiety and respond accordingly? If so then you will establish trust, empathy and openness.

5. Conclude

Moving on can sometimes be tough. If you have to go or do something else how do you finish a conversation without being rude? Very simply it’s just about a heartfelt acknowledgement that you have enjoyed the conversation. There are techniques, which seem at times insincere so why not just be honest and natural? You’ve enjoyed their company so just say so (assuming you have of course!).

Conversation is actually the most natural thing in the world.

Children engage in the above style of conversation all the time. However, as adults we have often ‘unlearned’ the fundamentals. Our conversational muscles have become socially flabby. As such it takes practice. Get out there and have a go.